Jealousy.

I've come to realise I'm a really jealous person. And it's a really good job I dont have facebook otherwise I'd be stalking people all the time and probably upset myself a lot. I'm probably getting really carried away with myself but I saw that someone had taken their relationship status off and so my mind instantly thinks that they are back together. And even the thought of that feels like someone's ripped my heart out. I dont know why I'm not past this. I dont know why still everytime I hear a The Cure song I feel like someone is stabbing me repeatedly in the stomach. I dont know why I still treasure the very few memories we have and tell myself that it's worth wating another 5 months. Even though I have no idea what will happen in 5 months time, probably not what I hope. I dont know why yesterday I went into a mass panic trying to find the hat she bought me, even though I'd hidden it from myself to not have such an attachment to it.

I'm so fucking lonely. You'd think I'd have gotten used to it but it only gets worse. It just makes you feel numb. I dont know why the only thing I really want in life is someone to share it with, but it is and it's not going to happen. And everytime I let myself think it is, it will get ripped away or it was fucked up to begin with. I attract creepy guys. It's a fact. I've come to realise I'm easily manipulated. I am too eager to please people and keep people that they can do and say whatever they want to me. I dont like upsetting people, I dont even want to tell a creep to fuck off. I'll let people pick me up and throw me away whenever they please because I just want to feel wanted and needed.

Well if they are back together I dunno how I'm gonna deal with it. I'm tired of dragging myself along with my little fantasies in my head. There is and never has been any relationship, but I've kept up some kind of pretence in my head for nearly 2 years.

Wow I really hope every post of mine isn't depressing as hell. I sound so pathetic.

Well college is slightly better. Slightly meaning they didn't kick me out and I have a week still to finnish work. I've gave myself a week off which is probably why I feel better as I was stressing so much. I mean I went out to my assessment with no make up on. I went round Sutton and town in no make up because I didn't have the time to do it from not sleeping as I was so stressed. I never want that again. I never want the build up to it again but it will happen. I've slept a bit better since but still not great. I've had a lot of fun with my best friend the last week and I love speaking with her. Some other friends, I dont even know what to say, I'm tired of being forgotten and coming second best. For everyone I just feel like I give a lot more than I get back. I know love isn't equal but it's just really hard when you feel people dont care at all. I dont need to be told I'm loved all the time or that I mean anything to people, but once in a while from my best friends would be nice. I'm just having a hard time of getting my head straight recently. So much so that I was thinking of leaving my online 'home' for a few days because I couldn't be there without getting upset or angry with some posts and some people. People change I guess, they become and say things we dont like and it's hard because you love them. I dont want to be apprieciated really but just a bit would be nice. I feel selfish. I'd take everyones pain from them if I could and I'd sit and talk to them all and help them as much as I can. But sometimes it just sucks all the life out of me. And at the moment I dont know how much I have to give to anyone. A conversation with one of my best friends cheered me up the other day though, she said somethings I guess I needed to hear, what I'm on about here. But I know they are all going through a lot of shit, which is my reason for this blog I suppose. I want to help everyone and be there for everyone but I cant stand talking to anyone about my problems.

I'd be suprised if any of this makes sense :P