So I decided to start this just to have somewhere to get stuff out. I'm just done, with everything. I dont know what to do anymore. So if I put this here it saves me putting it on my friends, seeing as they all seem to have enough to deal with.

I actually went into college today feeling alright, feeling like I knew what I was going to do today and that I'd accomplish something on the course. But then the teacher was ill and we cant use the plate camera's without him. So I got nothing done. I actually felt going in that I may be able to do this course in the next 2 weeks, that I have an idea now for my photos. But that was a really shortlived feeling. I cant fucking do this course. I dont want to do it. I am not interested in it in the slightest. And the deeper I get into it, the more useless I feel. I know nothing about photography, I know nothing about art. This has proved I'm not creative. I fucking hate education. I have no motivation for anything. I only managed sixth form because they didn't care that I never went to lessons and they didn't care that I didn't do any work. I dont go to college half the time. More than half the time. I dont do any work. I desperatley want to quit, the only thing keeping me there is the hell I'll get off my dad if I quit. He gives me enough shit when I say I hate it anyway. But I cant carry on for him. I have never been so miserable in my life. Tuesday night I actually thought what is the point in living anymore. I have nothing going for me and I dont think I ever will. When this course is over I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I dont know if I'm feeling worse because of the complete mind fuck I went through last week or what but on Wednesday I just wanted everything to stop. Plus everything was reminding me of someone- the mind fuck of last week. Just everything. Even looking at my mp3 player. Ok this is not the point.

College. I cant cope. I really fucking cant. I cant do it anymore. I hate it so much. I feel so miserable and useless and alone and lost. The first fucking day I was just like I should quit, I cant do this. Why didn't I? Actually then I'd still be friends with that cunt and that just wouldn't be good. I guess I thought it would get better, and that when I finally got to do photography I'd enjoy it. But I dont and I have no motivation to do it at all. I wish I could quit and get a job, but there are no jobs. And if I do find one here comes the problem of how much time I'd need off in the summer. Download is 5 days, Bloodstock is 5 days and I NEED these. I really do mean need. The only places I am truely 100% happy are at Download and Bloostock. It's all I need in life, some bands and a tent to sleep in ;p not even sleep. I guess it's just pure escapism for 5 days. Like the only outside contact I get is from my parents asking how drunk I was ;p and then I need 2 weeks off to visit my best friend in Denver. This again is not optional. I need to go because it will probably be the happiest 2 weeks of my life. I need to meet my best friend and spend some time with her. I also need to get out of this country and away from everything and everyone and I can think of no better place I'd want to be. So yeah getting a jobs pretty fucked there. My dad's like 'you cant just quit for nothing' and then he's on about how I'd get money. I'd save shit loads of money by just not going to college. The amount I spend on materials and food alone is ridiculous. All my savings are gone. And the little I have left is all been spent on the things mentioned for this summer. I cant keep up with all this work though. I'm already waaaay behind. I've done it all through school, if I dont want to do something I just wont. I wont turn up to the lesson. Seeing as I am now past school age I really should be past this, but running away and bullshitting later is just what I do. See I write this up and it all sounds so stupid and pathetic. Like why is this making me so miserable. Why? People hate the schooling their in but they put up with it, why cant I? I dunno what the fuck is wrong with me. It's not like any of my problems are that big compared to anyone else. I really am at a loss with what to do. Apparently we have 10 weeks left. Not much really. But I cant see myself passing the next stage. Another part of my problem is that I dont like showing anyone anything I have done. And I certainly dont want to present it infront of anyone else in our class- despite their being only like 6 of us. I'm just not confident about anything I do. Especially photography, like I have no idea. Since I was 14 I really wanted to do photography but it's not what I want to do. I dont know what I want to do. This course has just battered my confidence, not like I had that much left but it's just made me feel so inadequate. I should never have done art and design. I would have done a media course but they are all 2 years and I only have this 1 year left of free education. I thought I wanted to do something media based with some photography. I really dont. I never want to do anything art and design based again. EVER. I guess another problem is that with the travelling I am so drained by the time I get home I just fall asleep and get nothing done and spend the weekend trying to catch up with myself. And this is just making my mood worse. I think I'm feeling worse than October 08 and that was just awful. Except at the moment I'm not drunk constantly so thats keeping me with some perspective. Though now I've mentioned that I really want to drink and blot this out.

Ok well this is just going nowhere. I just feel lost. So fucking lost. And I can no longer cope. It would help if I have something else in my life other than college, but that is my life. My friends just seem to grow more distant, I see so much less of them, they seem to not care anymore, I can go over a week or 2 without speaking to them. And more without seeing them. Everyone's just changed, and they are all have something much better than me. Part of me always thinks while travelling on the bus that maybe I should go just to get some human contact, just to get out of the house. To have some meaning to my life because otherwise I'd be stuck at home all day even more. I've always liked to have my own space and a bit of time just not doing anything but I'm starting to think that over the past 3 years maybe thats not been out of choice.

CHRIST! WHY AM I SO PATHETIC. Like seriously why am I writing this. Why? There's not even anything really that bad. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I should stop going over stupid scenarios in my head.

Well all my hopes and dreams are pinned on winning the Euro Millions tonight. Then I can fuck everything.

I'll probably delete this in the morning.